This week I learned I know nothing. That I spent years in therapy and I know NOTHING, same feeling as always, way less intense this time, sure, but the same one. I lived from fear. And that fear clouded me so much that I started seeing my life as a competition against things that never even happened, instead of seeing it for what it is: a blessing.
And the worst part is I already know myself. It’s the same one as always, the same fear dressed up as something else, the one that makes me lose myself over and over. That fear of not feeling enough, of not feeling safe. That safety I used to look for in a dad, in a sad story of myself as a victim, in a job. It’s not new. I already know its name, I already know how it feels, and it still catches me off guard every time.
I work with crystals. I burn my palo santo. Very spiritual, all of it. And there I was anyway, lost like it was my first day. I wish it were as easy as we think.
The difference is what I did after. Before, when I fell into this, I’d treat myself horribly. I’d twist the knife a little deeper, like punishing myself would teach me something. Not today. Today I held myself with love. I told myself that failing is part of it too, that losing myself doesn’t make me less, that I can fall and still choose myself.
What I’m understanding is that peace doesn’t come from outside. It doesn’t come from other people agreeing with me, or from controlling what they think, or from beating anything. It comes from working on myself until someone else’s noise stops moving me. That’s the real work, and it’s every single day.
I don’t want to keep living from my past. I want to let it go. To recognise myself as I am today, all of it, so I can live in peace. And I know it’s easy to say and hard to do, because it’s so easy to lose yourself, to fall, to fail. The hard part isn’t falling. The hard part is the love I give myself while I get back up.
So here I am, taking responsibility for what comes next. Not for what already happened, that’s done. For what I’m going to do now. Without punishing myself, but without excuses either because I am not my past and my traumas
Watch me become faithful to myself again.
